Equanimity
by Midnight Cheesecake Maker
Summary: A revised edition for continuity with the canon of the show. Cutter is visited by a friend before his death, and Connor gets a little peace and understanding. Can't say more without giving it all away.


Disclaimer: I own nothing but the idea I used in this story. All characters and yada yada yada belong to yada yada yada and all that jazz.

**A/N: So I'm reposting this with a few subtle changes, mostly to follow the canon of the show as it presently stands. It's bugged me for ages, actually, leaving it as it was, so I elimated what pushed the story out of sync with the actual plot of the series. It isn't a great deal different, and there are still likely spelling and gramatical error left over from before, but this was a quick change up, so I apologize of any negligence on my part. Hope you enjoy what I've done here :)**

* * *

"Cutter!" The voice broke through the roaring blaze engulfing the area. Nick knew Connor was close. He was fast. Seconds had passed since the shot rang out, and already the young man was coming for him. "Cutter!" he called again, and appeared a moment later. Except he looked wrong. Even in the haze of smoke and the fog in his brain, Nick Cutter could see Connor Temple did not look the way he had ten minutes ago.

Connor dropped to his knees at Nick's side, careful not to touch him. "Oh, my God," Connor murmured, his hands helplessly hovering over the fallen man.

"Connor, what-" Nick inhaled sharply, cutting him off. "What's going on?"

"I-" There was a crash as something structural gave out. A piece of a wall collapsed in the flames.

"Connor," Nick sighed, still laying on his side. "Where did you come from?"

It was a simple enough question. It just had a slightly less simple answer. Connor pressed his lips together and bowed his head. When he looked back up it was right in Nick eyes. "Four years." He smiled triumphantly. "We've figured it out." His smile faultered. "Almost."

Nick's mouth twitched and he blinked slowly. "I certainly hope you-" Another sharp intake of breath and Nick wheezed, then groaned, grasping his chest. "-certainly hope you aren't here to try anything." Connor had tears in his eyes. Meekly, he shook his head. Nick coughed. "Good. So, what are you on about, Connor? Why are you here?"

Connor viciously wiped the tears from his eyes. The sting of the smoke only made them worse. "I had to tell you. You had to know things were gonna be okay."

Nick winced. "Helen?"

"Dead."

"Good." Nick's chuckles became a cough. He righted himself and asked, "What about the artifact?"

Connor made a lop-sided smile and shook his head. "Can't tell you. You know why."

It was answer enough. "Good man. What about everyone else? Jenny?"

"She left, a, ah, a long time ago." Connor looked away. "Nothing's the same anymore." He said it so softly it nearly couldn't be heard over the roar of the flames.

Nick's mouth was a grim line, his eyes closed. "No, I 'spect not. What about Abby?" Nick barely opened his eyes and cracked a half smile at the question and all it's implications. Connor grinned through the tears. Cutter's eyes closed and he smiled. "Finally." He blinked a few times. "What about Becker and Sarah?"

Connor's brow furrowed. "Becker's alright, I s'pose. Sarah, um-"

A voice suddenly rang out through the smoke and ash. "Cutter!" A familiar voice, but with more desperation in the tone.

Nick rested his hand on Connor's arm. "You have to go."

Time had become somewhat relative to Connor. He didn't really suffer from the problem of never having enough. If anything he had too much time, and yet, in that moment, Connor felt as though all the time in the universe would never be enough. His iron resolve collapsed into dust in the blink of an eye. "No! No, I can't do this again," he sobbed. The hand on his armed gripped him like a vice then.

"You have to! It's all right. You've done what you came here to do. Tell everyone... I said... hello."

The voice in the distance was getting closer, and Connor jumped to his feet. He couldn't risk being seen, but he already knew his way out. "I'm sorry, Professor. I'm so sorry." Professor was almost an endearment now. Connor didn't call him that very often, not anymore. It felt, nice, in a strange way, to hear it again. Much stranger now, considering the circumstances, that that particular thought would even cross his mind.

Nick smiled faintly, "Go on," he murmered.

He watched as Connor produced something from his pocket and point it to the hall. There was a flash, and Nick found himself looking at an anomaly. Connor looked back at the mentor he'd viewed almost as a father one, heartbreaking, last time, before disappearing through the anomaly. It closed almost immediately after. Nick could have yelled in triumph, were he not so impossibly weak.

And then Connor was back, only it was his Connor. The Connor he'd left outside only minutes ago. "Cutter," he breathed as he watched the man pull himself to a sitting position against a fallen duct. He ran to Cutter's side.

"Connor. Good man."

"You hold on. I'm gonna get you out of here." Connor grasped Nick's arm, attempting to pull the man to his feet, but the cry of pain and protest from Cutter made him stop. "Sorry."

"Don't," Cutter moaned, eyes wide in agony. "Don't... do that," he breathed.

Connor's voice cracked. "Sorry."

Cutter brought a reassuring hand to Connor's face. "It's okay," he gasped. "Just, sit with me. All right?"

"Okay." So he lowered himself, resting his arms across his knees, staring straight ahead. Cutter's grunts brought his attention to the side as he watched his professor struggle momentarily with something.

"This," he sniffed, producing a long hectaganol object from beneath the jacket laying next to him. "This matters. I don't know why." He looked Connor directly in the eye. "But it does, so... You have to find out what it means, okay?"

"Okay," he whispered.

Cutter put a hand to Connor's chest. "It's on you now."

Connor immediately began shaking his head. "No." Cutter sighed and looked down. "No. We can do this together. We've always done it together!"

Cutter hissed and began to slump, no longer having the strength to hold himself upright. "No. Not this time." His head came to rest against Connor's shoulder. He was slipping, he knew. Moments were left. "Tell..." It was becoming impossible to think. "Tell Claudia Brown..." He hesitated, and there was a sudden flash of clarity. Then fighting finally seemed pointless. He knew all he needed to know. Connor gave him that. It could end now. "Never mind. It doesn't matter."

The anomaly was only open for a moment, and Connor was through. It closed directly behind him and he bent over, hands on his knees, trying to suppress the sobs that were threatening to escape. He barely took notice of the people standing before him, until a gentle hand came to rest on his back. "You shouldn't 'ave done that," Abby murmured softly in his ear.

He stood upright, gasping, rubbing his face furiously with both hands. "I know. I didn't change anything. That wasn't what it was about."

"Then why'd you do it, Con? It could have lost you your job, your - your everything."

Connor shook his head, uncaring of the consequences now. "He worked so hard. He deserved to know he was right all along. And..." he trailed off, staring up and taking a deep breath. He eyes were rimmed red. "I missed 'im." It was no use. The tears fell anyway, and Abby brought her arms tightly around him.

"I know," she whispered soothingly. "I wish I could have gone with you." Abby pulled away slightly so she could look Connor in the eyes. "C'mon. Let's go home." He nodded in agreement and they both moved to leave.

"Out of curiosity," Lester interrupted, stopping them short. "How many anomalies did you have to jump through?"

Connor sighed. He should have known he wouldn't be so lucky. Taking the anomaly opener from his back pocket, he turned it on and quickly retraced his steps. "Four."

Becker frowned. "And you're sure nothing came through any of them?"

Connor was hardly in the mood to deal with this now, but it was true that for "health and safety purposes", not to mention the survival of the the entire human race, they were necessary questions that deserved answers. Connor sighed. "No. None of them were open long enough. I was in an' out."

Lester gave a stiff nod. "Very well. I'll have you know, there are more than a few not entirely pleased about this. Some are demanding I fire you."

"I understand, sir. I-"

"However," Lester said shortly, raising a hand. "Since you are the only one capable of properly recontructing the matrix," he paused, his jaw tightening. "I fear terminating you would be rather fruitless."

"Sir?"

"Go home, Connor, before I change my mind."

"Yes, Sir," Connor replied, solemnly. He and Abby began to walk once again, when he suddenly paused at the door. "By the way," he said, turning back, a grim smile on his lips. "Cutter says, 'hello.'"

Becker's jaw clenched and his Adam's apple visibly bobbed. Lester merely nodded.

Connor slumped on the sofa, squeezing his eyes shut and pinching the bridge of his nose. Abby came to rest beside him, bringing his free arm up and around her shoulder so she could curl up into him. "I'm so sorry," she said softly against his chest.

She felt his deep intake of breath. "It was so hard to leave him again, Abs. I nearly didn't. Who knows what would have happened then?"

"But you didn't and everything is still the same."

"It's not fair," he choked out, clenching his fists. "The things he's missed that he started. None of us would be where we are now if it weren't for him."

Abby sighed and forced her fingers through his. She squeezed tightly, looking up into his eyes. "But he died knowing, Con. Thanks to you. You gave him that, yeah? You should be," she paused, feeling tears starting to creep into her eyes. She swallowed them back at looked at him determinedly. "You should be so proud of yourself. What you did was reckless, risking everything like that-"

"It was selfish," Connor interrupted, his tone self-deprecating.

"But it was also brave," Abby continued, ignoring him. "We all loved Cutter and I'm sure not a day has gone by in the last four years where one of us didn't think about doing what you did. You gave him an incredible gift, Connor. He got to know it wouldn't all be in vain. He got to die in peace."

"He asked about Jenny. I was surprised, since he nearly told me to tell Claudia Brown something right before he died. I'd nearly forgotten about that; Claudia Brown. Now that I think about it, he probably wore himself out more talking to me than before he actually talked to me." Panic gripped him suddenly. "Oh, God! What if it's my fault? Maybe he would have been strong enough to make it out when I found him if I hadn't shown up. Damn it!"

Abby brought herself to her knees so she could face him straight on. "Connor, the gunshot wound was fatal. The coronor said that nothing would have saved him. No matter when you got to him, or how long he'd talked to you beforehand." He turned away, but she grasped his face firmly in her hands, turning him back to look her in the eye. "I mean it. You should be proud of yourself. Time travel might confuse me, but I'm pretty sure that we're successful now, because you told him we would be, and he told you four years ago to keep going because he knew that. You did the right thing, Connor. Cutter started it, but you've brought us to where we are now." She leaned forward and kissed away the stray tear that fallen down his cheek. "I love you," she said, pulling him into a comforting embrace.

Connor cried into her shoulder for a while longer, before pulling away and wiping his eyes. "Thank you, Abby."

She smiled brightly at him. "You're welcome." They stared at one another for a moment, before a muffled cry broke the silence. "Oy. I should go check on that, shall I?"

"I'll go," Connor said, rising to his feet. "After all, I haven't seen her all day."

"Hmm, who's fault is that? I'm proud of you for what you did, but maybe you ought to try being a little less reckless in the future then, yeah? Nikola's only got one daddy, after all."

Connor grinned sheeplishly before leaning down and lightly capturing the lips of his wife with his own. He pulled away and rested his forhead against her's. "I promise."

* * *

So there you have it. The ever so slightly revised edition. Once again I hope you enjoyed it, and please don't flame me. I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way :)


End file.
